Parenting the Strong Willed Child

You may have heard these terms thrown about a time or two (well, maybe a few hundred times) to describe your child. Because from the minute she entered this earth, she’s possessed a flame that simply will not die out. In her perspective, authority is designed to be challenged, and rules are made to be broken.

You love her tough little spirit. Still, you’re not embarrassed to acknowledge, parenting that spirit is actually taxing.

Because when you move left, she sways right. When you say sit, she stands. Every decision you make, there she is, ready to dispute it.

There’s no doubt about that. You have a strong-willed youngster. . .

If that statement sounds nothing short of scary, don’t worry, you’re not alone! Many parents of boys and girls, toddlers and teenagers worry raising strong-willed children because of the negative connotation that seems to be linked.

Benefits of Having a Strong Willed Child

Believe it or not, your child’s uncompromising temperament may be a predictor of future success.

A recently completed 40-year longitudinal research indicated that youngsters who were characterized as “rule-breakers” or “defiant” were more likely to become over-achieving and financially successful adults.

When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. I mean, I can’t think of many Fortune 500 CEOs without a strong sense of drive.

While the constant struggle with your toddler over putting her blocks away may feel frustrating, take heart! Because the same unbending attitude that drives you mad at home should offer you a little piece of mind while thinking about the future. After all, if she won’t buckle under your pressure as a parent, she’ll likely have the same attitude when engaging with her friends down the line.

Tip 1: Identify Your Child’s Most Common Power Struggles

Power battles may be sneaky–especially with a strong-willed youngster.

At some time, every parent will get into a war for dominance with their child. This may be anything from toddler tantrums to adolescent backtalk and anything in between.

But, as parents, we must learn to understand our child’s normal power struggles (which might be different for every kid!) and what triggers put them in action.

Let’s imagine one minute you’re helping your daughter get ready for preschool, and the next she’s angrily stomping around the room in her panties because she doesn’t want to wear the dress you picked out for her.

Does she put on the clothes? No. Does anything come from you begging and pleading with her? You bet. A power fight!

If getting dressed in the morning is a trigger that brings out your daughter’s stubbornness, consider enabling her to have more choice over the attire she wears every day.

Instead of pushing her into one decision, you may let her chose from a list of pre-approved possibilities, or even let her sleep in her clothing the night before. (Don’t worry if her clothing are wrinkled. Power struggle-free mornings are worth the trade off!)

Tip 2: Give Them Some Power and Control

Now that you’ve discovered what frequent power battles your strong-willed youngster encounters, let’s talk about how you can give some control over (while still preserving your peace of mind).

From the examples above, you saw how putting your child in charge of minor decisions–like what to dress and when to do homework–can make a major influence on whether or not they give you resistance.

You know what pushes your strong-willed youngster into a conflict, so the next step is to build a list of places where you’re prepared to loosen the reins and hand over some power.

For example…

You don’t need to pick out your 3-year-old daughter’s place setting; she can. Sure, she may choose all the cheap plastic dishes but it also provides her a large boost of positive power (which leads to improved behavior).

Your 10-year-old can pack his lunch for school. If you’re scared he’ll eat nothing but Fruit Roll-Ups and potato chips, simply utilize a little tool we like to call Control the Environment by ensuring you only shop for healthy alternatives you don’t mind him carrying each day.

If your headstrong 16-year-old is unyielding in her desire to remain out later with her pals, urge her to sit down for a civilized chat about why her curfew should be extended. She may have some very legitimate points you wouldn’t have thought of had you not enabled her to speak her case.

Tip 3: Show Some Empathy and Respect

Parenting a strong-willed child might feel a little like playing a continuous game of tug-of-war…only nobody wins.

We make requests, and they openly defy what we say. Then we wonder why we have a constant stream of meltdowns and temper tantrums (on both our sides).

The reality is, our kids house the same emotions we do, but in much smaller containers.

We don’t appreciate having instructions yelled at us or being told what to do and how to do it every second of the day, so why would our children be any different? Add a solid will to the mix, and the struggle becomes much more tough.

Instead of shaking your fist the next time your daughter joins you in a battle of wills, consider putting on a more compassionate hat. Step into her shoes and take on her views.

Start by physically being on her level, eye-to-eye, and providing an understanding comment that names and affirms her huge sentiments.

“I understand you are frustrated we have to leave the playground. It’s never fun to leave such a great spot! How about we choose a day next week to come back?”

Tip 4: Find a Routine That Works

Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we adore our routines. Why? Because they work!

Whether it’s for sleep, bath time, mealtime–whatever! I cannot stress enough the necessity of adopting daily routines into the areas of life where you and your kid most struggle.

In actuality, all kids thrive on good routines, but they might be especially useful for strong-willed youngsters.

There’s something about the regularity of knowing precisely what to expect that sets their minds at ease, while also avoiding your most typical power clashes.

For instance, let’s assume the mere notion of putting your child to bed exhausts you totally. You know that no matter how fantastic your day has been, come the evening hour, you’ll stride into their bedroom like a fighter entering the ring–ready for a battle.

“I don’t WANT to brush my teeth!” “I won’t wear the striped pajamas! I want the ones I wore yesterday.” “Pleeeeese, I need another story!” “But I’m not tired!”

Read Also: Grandparents Get Involved in Positive Parenting

Tip 5: Focus on Problem-Solving, NOT Punishment

Strong-willed children have such a great feeling of independence, yet it may sometimes be misconstrued for resistance and misbehaving. A cunning concealment if there ever was one.

Unfortunately, what do most irritated and fatigued parents prefer to do when their child is misbehaving? Look for a penalty.

And in the realm of good parenting, punishment and discipline do not go hand-in-hand. Honestly, they aren’t even in the same ballpark.

Now, I understand how this becomes the go-to answer for most parents. Perhaps they’re weary, embarrassed by their child’s conduct, or just feel as though they’re out of alternatives. But punishment comes with a lot of emotional baggage. And trust me, you don’t want to unpack it.

Final Thoughts

If your life feels like a perpetual fight of tug-of-war with your child, now is the moment to halt the game. When they pull, resist the impulse to draw back even harder.

Instead, release your grasp and remember these five guidelines. Because raising a strong-willed child does not have to be so difficult.I swear, with a bit of time, patience, and the correct tools, you may even learn to embrace that battling spirit. You’ve got this, and I’ve got you!