The Teachings Of Kindness

Regarding child-rearing, the book of Proverbs in the Bible is bursting with some of the most useful knowledge available anywhere. It has been a necessary component in forming my perspective and in the evolution of my beliefs about the raising of children. But the 31st chapter, which mostly addresses the description of a wise lady, always sort of bugged me: "The teachings of kindness are on her tongue." It upset me since I knew I didn't usually match that profile.

I had worked out pretty early what it required to be in my parents' good favor, and made sure not to cross over to the "other side"; why incur suffering and rejection if all I had to do was keep my mouth shut and do as I was told? I had been a fairly docile child most of the time. I believe that slamming the bedroom door was the most openly hostile act I have ever done. Once they worked things out, most youngsters were like me; certainly, if I made the issue obvious to my own children, they would behave as well!

While my firstborn truly wanted to please us, she was driven to test us, to see if we meant what we said, and she didn’s mind a little disappointment in exchange for doing whatever she wanted to do, even if it meant exactly the opposite of what she had been told. Often I felt as though my daughter and I were engaged in a power struggle; she appeared far more driven than I could to guide our shared path.

Her force of will was far higher than mine, and my philosophy of life was insufficient to persuade her to follow. I battled not to take her reluctance personally as I frequently felt rather angry with her. I worry that occasionally my corrections of her and directions to her were harsh and aggressive, not at all gentle.

It required a whole mental transformation as well as much self-coaching and practice to enable me to take charge of my children. The most loving thing I could do was to sternly criticize and guide them; their behavior was absolutely consistent with their nature as children—self-centered, incapable of adult logic, and motivated only by their own cravings and desires. Once I realized it, I could see the need of unambiguous directions, strict and consistent penalties for disobedience, and a will to resist indulgence of them. But one more feature of youngsters that I had not considered: their ignorance.

When I initially ordered my firstborn daughter to pick up her toys—at around three—she just stood in the center of the room; I knew she understood nothing about what I meant. I asked her what she observed after telling her to look at the floor. She answered "toys." She should know that toys have a "home" where they belong when we are not using them; the floor is not where they belong. She should pick one toy, let me know where its "home" is, and place it there. We then moved around the entire room; she would locate each toy in the correct spot. The following time I instructed her to pick up her toys, I reminded her that each one had a "home" and advised her to keep in mind how she had arranged each one the time before. Having done this a few times, all I had to say was, "It's time to put your toys away." She may disobey, but not because she lacked knowledge on how to do it.

Moms, we don't have to be drill sergeants and we don't have to flip back and forth between "loving" mother and "mean" mother, pampering one minute and lapsing into wrath and irritation the next. The thing we most want—that loving, delicate relationship with our children—can only come from our strict treatment of them. The fact we overlook here is: whether we establish tough discipline in a loving and compassionate manner, far more successful; we must be firm since our children need to be able to test us and see whether we truly mean what we say. They will only grasp what is asked of them this way.

Still, rigidity does not equate with harshness! Parents have to always keep in mind the sensitivity of our children, keep in mind that they just perceive things differently or think differently than we do, and remember that they lack knowledge about behavior until we show them. We have to always be careful not to treat our kids impatiently, as this will somehow convey to them that we believe they are dumb or that we want perfection.

These Items Should Help You Keep In Mind

• First, gently guide your child toward the behavior you wish for her. Let her practice both in public and at home. Plan to remain just 15 minutes; if you know a 15-minute trip to the library is sufficient starting point, make your lessons brief, targeted on one habit at a time, and avoid pushing your kid beyond her capacity to obey. Your visits might be spread out gradually. Offering her this sort of achievement will help her to go farther the following time.

• Clearly state your directions, using as few words as possible, in a kind voice; avoid apologizing or threatening or asking; TELL instead. "Janie, you should tidy your toys. I'll come back in a few minutes; by then, they ought should all be stashed. NOT "Janie, hello sweetheart, I know you’re having so much fun and you don't want to stop, but I really need your assistance, because company is coming, so I need you to clean up your toys, okay?” Saying "okay?" following a directive signals to your youngster permission to refuse. To find whether your child has heard and comprehended, have her repeat your directions.

• After you have clearly and firmly stated your direction, go about your business. Ask her "How many times do I have to tell you?," or let her go if Janie behaves as like she doesn't care or ignores you and you complete the work she was advised to do—don't sigh theatrically. Later apply a penalty, for example, early bedtimes, gently and firmly. "Janie, you disobeyed when I told you to put away your toys, so now that dinner is over it's time for bed."

• Consequences are to be enforced in a rather matter-of-fact, even mild manner. Don't shout and yell; "I've had it, young lady! Don't grovel or apologize for the consequences." Go to your bedroom! If you are doing this, you most likely have been reminding, nagging, or threatening your child. Remember: if you have taught your kid what is required of her and she disobeys, do not say another word about it; she has obviously disobeyed. You know she understands straightforward, basic directions. You should always, gently, enforce a punishment as disobedient behavior is always bad. There are no more explosive eruptions.

Don't bother finding out why your child disobeyed; she doesn't know and it makes no difference! She followed her inclination, which most of us would like to do—that which most of us have been advised to do—it is simply human nature. Inquiring "why?" just causes uncertainty and annoyance; it does not help you get closer to your goal—that is, training your youngster to follow rules. You may also read this: 6 Parenting Resolutions Worth Keeping in 2024

If you have never taught your children otherwise, you should not be surprised when they act stupidly—even rudely. They need instruction! They need to be gently trained, again and over again, not seen as idlers devoid of reason. at our household, we taught standing when adults enter a room, providing a seat to others, opening doors for others, table manners, acceptable behavior at the library or in stores, phone etiquette, and a range of other vital social habits.

Acting out the conduct, I showed the kids how it should appear; then, I added, "Okay, let's practice!" They sat in the living room and I pretended to be an incoming visitor, or we pretended to stroll into the library and we stopped talking. We would pretend the phone would ring and I would be the caller. When the phone did ring, or a friend dropped over, or we walked to the library, I would just call their attention and say, "Okay, kids, remember: phone manners!" Alternatively "guest rules!" or "library rules!"

These are the lessons of compassion. Entering an environment you are not acquainted with, doing what you believe to be proper, and then being corrected for it—that is the most embarrassing thing one can do! Of course, we have all been there. Young children are fresh to almost every circumstance they come into contact with. Prepare them instead of waiting until you find yourself in a position and then becoming annoyed when they misbehave to avoid setting them up for failure.

By using the lessons of compassion, you are proving your love for them, inspiring confidence in them, and bringing them near to you throughout. Tell them that this type of conduct is only natural for a member of your family, and it will strengthen your family and make them very much more together. While the training itself might be somewhat time-consuming initially, most great activities need some time and careful planning. Don't expose your kids to novel and occasionally embarrassing events then become enraged when they fall short of your expectations. Get them ready using the lessons of compassion.