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How to Build Confidence in Kids
What is confidence? Confidence is a form of trust. You might have confidence in anything you read or hear, confidence in a buddy, confidence in a number of things. Self-confidence is knowing that you're capable of achieving things, that they're worth a try, and that even if you fail, everything will be ok--your well-being doesn't depend on your being flawless.
We want our kids to have this healthy self-confidence-- to be eager to do new things and meet new people, without being fearful of what could happen!
About 25 years ago, Dorothy Corkille Briggs authored a book called Your Child's Self-Esteem. Her objective was to assist parents create self-esteem in their children. It was such a popular notion that much of what she taught has become a part of the fabric of our culture; we seldom examine the concept, it's simply a given that self-esteem should be built up.
Briggs' view of self-esteem teaches parents to tell children they are special simply because they exist; saying things like, "You're awesome!", celebrating just about everything they do, giving participation trophies, lowering standards, discounting or blaming externals for poor performance, and never saying anything that might seem negative--all are part of building self-esteem.
Of course, we all need to know that we are loved in spite of our failings, and that we don't need to show our value to those who love us. But kids sense when we're not being honest, and praise is dishonest when thrown on for no apparent reason. Empty praise leads to a false impression of a child's genuine potential, typically followed by uncertainty and self-doubt when he doesn't accomplish as well as he's been encouraged to feel he would.
The self-esteem "movement" (together with social media) has led to an entire generation of self-absorbed youngsters who feel entitled to dispute with their parents and instructors, and throw tantrums of different types until they get what they want. Their parents don't condemn their actions for fear of "damaging their self-esteem."
Actually, what's going on is that parents are terrified of making their kids upset; they want to be loved by their kids-- to be "besties", but what the children need is genuine, adult parents who have realistic expectations, make them plain to the child, and hold the child accountable.
See, confidence doesn't come from a false idea of what you're capable of, or being told constantly how "awesome" you are. Confidence comes from doing your best at what's expected of you, and either being content with it or choosing you'd like to try to do better next time. It's acknowledging that correction from genuine authority isn't a threat to your value as a person, but is merely a tool to show you where you may develop.
So how can we build genuine confidence in children?
We might start by admitting they're not adults, youngsters aren't capable of adult
comprehension, communication, and performance. We also have to recognize that children grow and increase in mental and physical ability at a pace that varies from child to child, and even between boys and girls. Just be patient! Be realistic! Enjoy what your youngster can do at each step of the game!
Speak to children, not about, and don't make jokes about them in their presence or in their hearing. Don't compare siblings in their hearing--children are highly sensitive to these things, and yet I regularly hear parents speaking about their children to other adults as if the children are not present, or can't hear! Children hear you when you remark, "Joey is so much more coordinated than Stevie was at this age!" or "Don't you admire Sukie's lovely hair? Sadie's is so mousy!" or "OMG, Hubert is such a difficult kid!" or even, "Rexall is really my favorite!" in front of siblings. Please be careful, parents. You may also read this: Enhancing Children's Nature and Needs Awareness
One of the most essential things we can do to improve children's confidence, however, is to give them little jobs to perform, then progressively raise the size and difficulty of the assignments. When your kid has learnt to dress himself (confidence-building!), teach him how to make his bed! And don't be scared to correct him. Consistently provide physical love and eye contact while you convey realistic expectations to him, and when required, teach him how to accomplish it!
There's security in precisely understanding what your job is and how to perform it. Help your child work through frustration and disappointment instead of avoiding or preventing it. This increases resilience as well as confidence.
As your youngster learns to take greater responsibility, validate his position as part of your family "team"--help him realize that responsibility involves doing your job before doing what you want. It's not fantastic, but it's really grown-up, so tell him! Continue to progressively add realistic responsibilities, and before you know it, he'll be providing his best effort on his assignment, understanding he might have to amend something, and that it's alright if he doesn't make a 100%.
This is healthy self-confidence, knowing you're capable of a decent effort and not being frightened to keep trying!
Maybe your child may excel in some things--that's terrific! He's still not "awesome"; he's a normal, fallible human being who is able to accomplish some things better than others. Help him understand that he has something to contribute that's worth offering--and so does everybody else! Teach him he's part of "team family" who love him and need him. He's willing to work hard, capable of achievement, and he realizes that hard effort offers happiness, regardless of gold stars, trophies, or straight A's.
If you've been telling your youngster he's amazing, stop it today! If you've been terrified of correcting your child because of his tantrums, get over it and start giving him what he needs--clear expectations, directions, and patience, coupled with gentle, firm correction. Oh, and of course, a sincere "Good job!" after he's done!