Positive Parenting Techniques You Can Use

It’s the moment parents know all too well: the moment when the vibe in your house dramatically alters.

All was serene until you gave breakfast to your kid on the ever-so-controversial blue plate. You know, the one he liked YESTERDAY. Somehow overnight, everything you thought you knew about your child was suddenly inaccurate - “I want my sandwich in triangles, not rectangles!” or “I want the green cup, not the red one!” or “I hate those socks!!”

As the tension in the home builds, and it looks your youngster is eager to fall on his sword for every tiny request, you lose it. After all, his requests make no sense to an adult, and because they don’t make logical sense, your only answer is wrath - “STOP YELLING!” you shout.

And then in a moment of clarity, it hits you — you shouted at your child to stop shouting. The slogan Do as I say, not as I do, has never had so much weight.

Oh, pal. I’ve been there and I know those sensations all too well.

1. Get To The Root Of The Behavior

Positive parenting gurus worldwide can agree on this: there is always something prompting a child’s bad or disruptive conduct.

• So that tantrum over the blue plate? It wasn’t a random demonstration of bad judgment — it was prompted by something inherently in your child. Whether it was a lack of skills in regulating his large sentiments, a desire to gain your attention, or a power play to establish his free will - there’s always a rationale for the action. (Even if he doesn’t recognize it - and most times he doesn’t!)

• The key to remember is the action itself is only the symptom. Our issue as parents is understanding out what’s actually beneath that annoying behavior.

• It would make things MUCH simpler if your child could just say, “Mommy, I would really like some one-on-one attention with you when I have you all to myself. Is there a time we can do it this evening?” But we all know this is an unreasonable assumption. So instead, youngsters push our buttons as a method to attract our attention, albeit adversely. Because the reality is, if a child doesn’t receive our attention in positive ways, (when they don’t have to beg for or demand it) they will find methods to gain any attention they can, even if it’s bad.

• Picture yourself as a detective. When a youngster begins to act out, ask yourself “What is this child trying to accomplish through his actions?” If he had the language abilities and emotional awareness, “What would he be trying to tell me with this behavior?”

• Once you discover the main cause of the issue, you can become a more PROACTIVE parent and anticipate the outbursts from happening in the first place.

For example, assume you have to take an important call, but while you’re on the phone, your children feel it’s a wonderful time to start a wrestling bout. While still attempting to appear involved in the phone discussion, you give your kids the “if you don’t stop this right now I’m going to lose it when I’m done” look - but to no effect. You continue with the non-verbal shushing as you hurry from one room to the next hoping for calm, but the wrestling match seems to follow you. It’s exhausting. And at the conclusion of the phone call, you feel like you just run 5 kilometers.

2. Be Consistent

• While parents cognitively understand the necessity of consistency, the reality is, life happens — school is canceled, plans alter, and last-minute changes are made to the schedule. While we can’t always control life happening, it’s ideal to keep regular routines, schedules, and expectations in your household the bulk of the time.

• How is your morning routine? If your children are required to tidy their beds, wash their teeth, and get dressed before eating breakfast, then keep this schedule every day.

• PRO TIP: Maintain the SAME routine on weekends and holidays. That way, you won’t have to face the backslide that follows on Monday morning!

• Do you maintain firm technological “policies?” What happens if your kids don’t obey your family rules regarding technology? To be the positive parent you aim to be, it’s crucial that technology rules be clearly conveyed and that kids know the penalty if those rules are broken. If youngsters reject or “forget” to turn off the video game when time is up, follow through each and every time with the previously established punishment. When parents are consistent with the rules and penalties, kids are considerably less prone to test the limits.

3. Say No to Rewards

• Parents who are new with positive parenting approaches are sometimes shocked when I dissuade them from using rewards. After all, incentives seem wonderful, but the fact is they do more harm than good and can lead to a hefty dose of entitlement down the line.

• Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. When making disciplinary decisions for your kids, it’s crucial to keep your long-term goals in mind. Rewards are inefficient since they only give short-term gain.

• Think about it..maybe today you rewarded your child with a cookie for doing nicely at the grocery store, but what will she expect next time? At least one cookie, right? Maybe even two? Will a similar incentive be expected on the next doctor’s office appointment or trip to the mall?

• Or perhaps you tempted your finicky eater to eat their vegetables by providing ice cream for dessert? Now that he understands veggies can be sold for the price of ice cream, it only makes logical he would hold up on eating his greens until he’s offered ice cream or another similarly attractive sweet treat.

• Using incentives as a negotiating tool for the desired conduct is a slippery slope to an attitude of entitlement.

Read Also: Do Adopted Kids Always Have Difficulties

4. Focus On What You Can Control - YOURSELF

• Oh my friends, this one is tricky, especially in the heat of the moment. But, if you realize that there’s always a REASON for the conduct AND your children have free choice, then you may begin to respond correctly.

• After all, there is a level of emotional liberation that is achieved when parents recognize “I can’t always control my kids, but I can control my responses.”

• Sure, some parents might be able to terrify their kids into behaving appropriately or threaten punishment to achieve a short-sighted aim, but at the end of the day – each child will grow into an adult who has full choice over their life decisions.

• So instead of overwhelming youngsters, or bribing, or shaming them into making good decisions, I advise parents to reframe their image of the child. Instead of thinking of him as a misbehaving youngster, regard him as a small person who just hasn’t been equipped with the correct tools to conduct effectively in a certain setting. By doing this, parents will be better prepared to tackle the misbehaviors.

5. Discipline, Don’t Punish

• One of the greatest differentiators between positive parenting approaches and other parenting methods is the focus on discipline over punishment.

• Discipline means “to train by instruction and exercise” while punish means “to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.)” or “to handle severely or roughly.”

• By teaching our children the right ways to behave without utilizing blame, guilt, and other forms of punishment, we equip and empower them to be competent and capable young people.

• When you are choosing a reaction to an offense – just like with incentives – think long-term.

Final Thoughts

Parenting is hard, I get it. But with the correct tools, I believe all parents can become the parents they’ve always dreamt of becoming.

If you’d want to learn even more positive parenting practices.

I’ll tell you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or scolding. With a little hard effort and persistence, you can start seeing improvements today!